Shavua tov!
On Shabbat, (which btw, was one of the nicest I’ve had for quite a while, thank God I’m not buying into all the ‘fear p*rn’ and running off to buy a generator…) – I went to learn some Rabbenu with a new chevruta.
We opened it up ‘randomly’ to Likutey Moharan 2:2.
It’s a long lesson, and we got through about 4 pars, but here’s how it starts:
“The days of Chanuka are days of thanksgiving, as stated:
“They instituted these eight days of Chanuka for thanksgiving and praising.” (Al haNissim, Tractate Shabbat 21b)
==
And days of thanksgiving represent the delight of the World to Come, for the essential delight of the World to Come is to express thanksgiving and praise to God’s great Name and to acknowledge Him.
In this way, we come closer to Him, for the more that we know and acknowledge Him, the closer we are to Him.
==
Everything else will disappear in the future, as in, “All the sacrifices will be abolished except for the korban todah” (Vayeira Rabbah 9:7).
Only thanksgiving and praise will remain in the future – thanking and praising God….That is the essence of the delight of the World to Come.
==
This is the destination we’re aiming at.
Being able to thank Hashem for all the good things, and seeing how everything is totally for our good, after all.
BUT – and it’s a huge, massive but – trying to say thank you for all the good in our life doesn’t mean that we pretend there is no bad.
No suffering.
No pain – no days where we are so weighed down by misery and despair, we find it hard to even get out of bed in the morning.
(This is describing a serious FREEZE response, btw, where the initial reactions of FIGHT or FLIGHT either didn’t work, or aren’t on the table, so now, the snake brain is flooding the body with the chemicals designed to ‘FREEZE’ a person in place, in hibernation, to numb them until the danger passes, one way or another.)
====
Problem is, in our superficial world, where real emotions have been pathologised to the point where a person feels they need medication, or self-medication in the form of cannabis or alcohol any time a ‘real emotion’ pops it head above the parapet, there is a tendency to wave off another person’s real pain with platitudes about ‘just be grateful you’re alive.’
On a very deep level, this is of course true.
But when a person is stuck under a huge amount of misery and pain, and actually trapped in a bio-chemical ‘FREEZE’ response, they often just can’t get to that point.
At least, not immediately.
====
I’m going to bring some relevant stuff from Pete Walker in a mo, but before I do, let’s continue with one more par from Rabbenu’s lesson 2:2:
(It’s a puzzling par. Me and the chevruta chewed it over for an hour on Shabbat, and looked up all the stuff being referenced by Rabbenu. In the process of doing that, we learnt some amazing insights, which I’ll bring below, so hang on, if this is sounding like gobbledy-gook.)
“This corresponds to, “Four people are required to express thanksgiving.” (Brachot 54b)
They are listed in Psalms 107, which concludes with, “He who is wise and observes these will understand God’s kindnesses.
‘God’s kindnesses’ correspond to halachot, as Chazal said, “Whoever does not allow his student to serve him is as if he denied kindness from him, as written: “He who withholds kindness from another.” (Job 6:14; Ketubot 96a).
Serving the wise corresponds to halachot, which correspond to, “David’s kindnesses.” (Isaiah 55:3), in that the halachah is according to his opinion, as Chazal said: “God was with him”, (Samuel I, 16:18)….
==
“God was with him” means that he was close to God, which represents the World to Come, which corresponds to halachot.
==
The four people who have to give ‘thanksgiving’ are those who cross a desert or ocean, get freed from prison, or are healed from a life-threatening illness.
I.e. they say ‘thank you’ just for the gift of still being alive.
They don’t cross a desert and then get a million bucks to pay off their debts, or buy a house in Jerusalem.
They don’t get off the boat and someone is waiting to propose. No-one is curing their infertility, their shalom bayit issues – or ending ‘the war’ in Gaza.
Nope.
But they have an obligation to say thank you – simply because they came through a dangerous situation, and they are still alive.
==
Chazal are setting the bar really low, here, when it comes to finding things to say ‘thank you’ for.
==
But as this is Rabbenu, there is a much deeper dimension to all this, that takes it out of ‘fake gratitude / fake emuna’ mode, and puts it in a way more deeper place that can work and resonate for so many of us who are actually struggling to say ‘thank you’ for being alive, at the moment.
Because the pain is overwhelming.
Because we are suffering so greatly.
And because we are stuck in a ‘FREEZE’ response to all the stress, that is literally keeping us trapped in mochin de’katnut, and all the bad middot and difficult emotions that hang out in that place.
==
When we looked up the reference to Job, we got to the passage where Job’s ‘best friend’ Eliphaz (not coincidentally, the name of the son of that arch-religious hypocrite, Esav) is trying to ‘help’ Job like this:
(These are some of the key arguments that begin Eliphaz’s ‘speech’ to Job, in Chapter 6 of Iyov):
“If He tests you with one thing, are you going to be tired out?!…Remind me, please, which innocent person ever died? When have upright people ever been obliterated?…Destruction does not emerge from the the dust, and nor does misery grow from the earth….
Behold! Fortunate is the man whom God rebukes!!!”
==
In other words, Eliphaz is telling Job:
Suck it up man, and stop whining! You totally deserve what’s going on right now! And not only that, you are ‘lucky’ that God is doing this to you, so SAY THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUFFERING!!!
==
You know why I love Rabbenu so much?
Because Rabbenu gives real advice, for real people.
Straight after telling us that ‘gratitude’ is the ideal destination, our taste of the world to come down here in this lowly world that is so full of suffering – he then throws in a hint about what Pete Walker calls: FLIGHT INTO LIGHT.
But what I usually refer to as ‘fake gratitude’ or ‘fake emuna’.
==
There is a whole bunch of important nuance here, let’s try to tease it out.
First, here is Walker’s description of ‘FLIGHT INTO LIGHT, which you can find online HERE, but which I actually read as part of his biography ‘Homesteading through the Calm Eye of the Storm’:
Flight-into-Light
Like many survivors, my recovery process began unconsciously with a spiritual quest. I needed to find something profoundly good about life to counteract the soul crushing effects of my family.
But striving for enlightenment was a salvation fantasy, and only helped marginally with my CPTSD. My Icarus-like flights into the Light did however give me powerful subjective experiences of a Benevolence at the core of life.
Trying to permanently merge with this Light however, melted my waxen wings and repeatedly sent me plummeting into the sea of my abandonment depression.
The Icarus in me won some and lost some. When I caught enough glimmers of the Light to know that an ultimate good exists, I felt buoyed enough to journey inside – to search for something worthwhile at my psychological core.
When I finally learned to meditate effectively, I gradually found Spirit within.
Now my flights-into-light are sojourns inside to find an inner glow. My ongoing meditative practice regularly brings me helpful insights, restores my equanimity and self-acceptance, and occasionally provides me glimpses of THAT which is so much greater.
==
My ultimate flight-into-light was an eight hour Enlightenment experience with LSD – an experience of feeling transcendently at one with a loving God that permeated everything….
This LSD journey impassioned me to search for permanent enlightenment.
Luckily my quest short-circuited two years later, but I had enough tastes of God as Love to convince me that life is a stunning gift from an unfathomable and generous Creator. Like Walt Whitman and other poets, I increasingly saw love and beauty in life’s ordinary and myriad details.
Delusional or not, I feel lucky to believe in a Benevolent Creator.
This is not a choice but a profound subjective sense of knowing. The years before my huge epiphany – especially the Catholic ones – were desolately empty without this deep sense of a Higher Power…..
It blessed me with an increasing capacity to appreciate being alive.
==
Walker came of age in the 60s, when so many good people started ‘experimenting’ with drugs as the ‘shortcut’ to enlightenment – and especially weed and LSD.
Walker himself dabbled – but when he saw how many of his hippie friends literally went insane from regular use of CANNABIS, all by itself, or spent their days totally ‘drugged out’ of reality – he stopped doing drugs cold turkey, and now he counsels people to avoid using drugs to escape their emotional pain.
Over time, he found that ‘meditation’ – i.e. hitbodedut, where you talk to God and also check in with your own soul, and let your real feelings surface and be expressed – was a WAY better way of dealing with his ongoing pain.
The reason I’m quoting him here, is because his books were one of the best resources I found, for helping to figure out and overcome C-PTSD – something that I think most people today are dealing with, one way or another.
==
Rabbenu teaches, feel your pain for one hour a day, in hitbodedut! But the other 23 hours – be happy!!!
==
So, one example of ‘FLIGHT INTO LIGHT’ is trying to turn off the pain and suffering of reality, and ‘run away’ by using drugs – and that includes prescribed medication that alters a person’s mind.
But another way of FLIGHT INTO LIGHT is where you still try to ‘duck the pain’ by covering it all up with ‘just say thanks!!!!!’
Or by trying to change the subject some other way. And so many misguided therapists and even, so-called ‘frum’ mentors and rabbis, also encourage this – especially the ones who don’t do regular hitbodedut themselves, and don’t have God in the picture in any real way.
====
Here’s another snippet from Walker:
My first foray with Kleinian[1] Dr. L was awful. To avoid repeating this, I had test- sessions with seven highly touted therapists.
In one interview-session after another, each renowned therapist tried to distract me from venting pain.
It was so hard to believe.
Each paid lip service to welcoming grief, but when my feelings surfaced, they [the therapists] apparently could not go where they had not been [themselves].
==
We all have painful stuff going on inside.
All of us.
If we aren’t talking to God about what’s going on, the pain overwhelms us in a million ways. And even if we’re going to a shrink regularly – if that shrink isn’t encouraging us to turn to God, to put God in the picture, and to develop a more emuna-dik approach to what’s going on, then even the best shrink is very limited in how much real ‘help’ they can provide.
==
Sometimes, it’s OK to open our hearts to another person who can actually deal with it in a healthy way. We all need some encouragement and human warmth, sometimes.
And it’s important to find people who can really empathise with us, without trying to shut us up with pat answers about ‘gratitude’ or ‘having emuna’, like Job’s ‘friend’ Eliphaz.
==
At the same time – the real answer to our problems actually isn’t dumping it all on to other people – and not even the people we pay a fortune to, to listen to us.
The real answer is talking to God, honestly, and regularly, every single day.
==
The time we spend in hitbodedut is where we find the courage to really face our inner pain.
And the strength required to really work through our ‘stress’, our anger, our fear, our disappointment, our unmet expectations, for how we hoped life would be.
That’s where we start to get some real, soul-satisfying answers, about why does it have to be like this?! Why am I suffering so much?! Why are you putting me through all this stuff, God?!
Because everything really is a message from God, even – especially – the stuff that comes wrapped in very difficult circumstances.
==
When we start to finally unwrap ‘the message’, and to learn the lessons, that’s when the real feelings of gratitude can start to bubble up, naturally. Without being forced or faked.
For me personally, I only got into doing hitbodedut for an hour a day because I thought that was the way to ‘force’ God into giving me what I thought I wanted, especially, more children.
About five years into the process, no more kids were forthcoming, and that’s when I had a crossroads moment, when I could have jacked the whole thing in, God forbid, as “not working out as planned.”
But instead, I started to realise how many enormous benefits I was getting, from taking the time to talk to God for an hour every single day.
==
The really bad FREEZE depressions I use to get all the time, even when life was externally ‘great’, pretty much totally disappeared.
I started to make some big inroads on my awful temper and anger fits, and that literally transformed the atmosphere in my house, and especially, with my kids.
And more and more, I started to realise that even though life was so very difficult, so much of the time – there was still so much to be grateful for.
And still so much that could and would improve, when I stopped running around to ‘other people’ for the answers and the comfort and the insights I needed – and instead, I dealt direct with God, and started to take responsibility for how I was really feeling about stuff.
==
God gets us.
God loves us unconditionally.
When God tells us ‘hard things’, He still does it with so much compassion and kindness, so we can actually hear it, without feeling even more gross about ourselves.
God is simply the best shrink you could possibly ever have.
And He’s available 24/7, and free.
==
Tov.
Let’s pull this back around to where we began.
Rabbenu taught us in Lesson 2:2:
The essential delight of the World to Come is to express thanksgiving and praise to God’s great Name and to acknowledge Him.
In this way, we come closer to Him, for the more that we know and acknowledge Him, the closer we are to Him.
==
Being close to God is the biggest present a person can give themselves, in the crazy circumstances we currently all find ourselves in.
Sometimes – actually, at all times – the only way God can take down our ego enough to get us to come closer to Him, and to start really talking to Him, and including Him in our lives, is by literally crushing our yetzers into the floor, with difficulties and hard circumstances.
The point is not to kill us, God forbid, (although sometimes, it can feel like that.)
The point, is to bring us closer to Him.
==
When we try to ‘short’ this pain, by disappearing into medications, cannabis, never-ending ‘shrink’ sessions etc etc, we just end up prolonging the agony.
Because the point, the only point of the suffering, is just to bring us closer to God, in a real, raw, honest way.
When we get close to God like that, that is when we find the courage and support required to really face our ‘inner demons’ down, and to stop running away from ourselves, and our own hard, difficult feelings about life.
When we let our real feelings surface and pass through and out – that’s when the real healing begins.
And that’s when we start to understand that hard as everything is, it’s not stam.
==
Life is a process, ad 120, and there are no quick fixes.
Our mad world is bringing so much pain and hard feelings up to the surface at the moment.
God is designing things to do exactly that.
To finally get us to understand that we can’t do this without God, without regular hitbodedut, without trying to come closer to Hashem.
We can’t do this, without following the advice of Rabbenu.
And without drawing closer also to the real Tzaddikim of our generation, like Rav Berland.
==
So, do yourself a favor, turn this off, and go to some quiet place where you can talk to God for a while.
All of us are stuck in a paradigm that we can’t seem to change from with-out, or with the ‘power and strength of our own hands’.
All we can do, is to take responsibility for ourselves, and to begin the process of trying to change things from within.
But ultimately, that is what is going to change everything.
====
FOOTNOTES:
[1] Melanie Klein advocated a therapeutic approach where this is almost no interaction at all between the client and the therapist, with the therapist even sitting behind the client’s head to avoid eye contact, or anything that could be construed as empathy, human warmth or encouragement.