Lots has happened since I wrote part 2 of this series.

(HERE.)

Long story short, I went into Shabbat thinking that I have to do a serious six hour hitbodedut session about what is going on here, especially in terms of what teshuva is required from me, to stop being so affected by all the ‘frequencies’ pinging around.

Ultimately, everything is being directed by God.

And if God is filling the world with frequencies that are exacerbating and amplifying my existing issues, negative emotions and bad middot, then I need to respond to that spiritually.

There is no other way of dealing with the problem.

I had a lot of insights, and I have decided to share a bunch of them here with you, dear reader.

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First insight:

There are a lot of deep emotions, and ‘painful stuff’ that I’d stuffed deep down coming up at the moment.

And I think many of us are going through a similar sort of process.

So, the first part of the insights came when I realised there was a lot of upset about marrying my daughter off in the middle of the war, with basically no family in attendance, that I’d kind of stuffed down and hadn’t dealt with.

So, that was the first aha! moment that occurred Friday AM, when I was in so much pain I was starting to lose it a little.

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BH, once that penny dropped, I started to feel about 50% better.

But then, more stuff came up, in connection with what’s going on around Rav Berland, and my worries about how my children were going to react to all that stuff (more on that towards the end of the article.)

Long story short, I had a big chat with both my kids about the Rav, and my worries that they would be tricked into the ‘anti’ camp again by our lying, mason-sponsored media, and once I was more reassured that wasn’t going to happen this time around, BH, I felt much better, and the pain reduced to about 20% of what it was.

Enough that I could actually cook for shabbat, at least a little.

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On Shabbat AM, I realised I need to do a serious six hour hitbodedut to figure a few more things out.

I still had the super-painful cough, albeit it was much less frequent.

So, I headed over to the ‘Encyclopedia of Psychosomatics’ by Belgian writer Christiane Beerlandt, that I bought on a reader’s recommendation, when my husband was having all the pains in his leg last year.

Here’s a bit of what it said under ‘Cough’:

A stop, a revolt, a refusal to go on this way. An alarm signal to the outer world, “Now, it has been enough. I surrender. Do nothing more to me or the bucket will overflow. I might collapse…”

You hold back, you don’t express yourself completely….

Instead of being straightforward, you perhaps have been too hesitant, and this yes / no attitude of yours disturbs you. And now it is enough.

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This spoke to me a lot.

It’s also connected to what’s going on with the Rav. We’ll return to that further down, but it’s what prompted the chat I had with my kids.

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Next, I got the idea to go back to an excellent book I’ve had on my shelves for about 15 years, and that I did a lot of work with about a decade ago.

It’s called Connection, by Efim Svirsky.

(It was first published in English back in 2004, I don’t know if he’s still going, but it’s truly an excellent book for really getting some deep insights into yourself, especially during hitbodedut sessions.)

I opened it ‘randomly, and I quickly got to the section of exercises related to Purim.

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Svirsky had four exercises connected to the main themes of Purim, which he identifies as:

1. Overcoming the ‘anti-semite’ within.

2. Overcoming the cynical, doubting, disappointed ‘Amalek’ within.

3. Understanding that God creates the Galut (exile) we find ourselves in, just as He creates the Geula brings us out of it – and both states are valuable and occurring for a reason.

4. Identifying my mission / destiny / task in life.

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The first exercise, I suddenly started to ‘catch’ how many Jews I’ve actually been hating on, the last few months.

For all different reasons.

It’s hard to overcome, for sure, especially with all the traitors and ‘stupids’ in our midst. But this Shabbat we re-read Rabbenu’s lesson 282 of ‘Azamra’ around our Shabbat table, and we all agreed that we need to really start trying to go back to it, as much as possible.

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The internal, doubting ‘Amalek’ that showed up was based on a lot of very difficult disappointments that I’ve gone through the last few years, in so many different ways (like most of us….)

So I spent some time trying to work on the understanding that while I might not understand why God does things, He for sure does everything for a good reason, spiritually.

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The Geula / Galut exercise was also very useful, especially the bit where I had to explore the question of:

What would have happened to me if I had not gone through that experience?

That’s the first time I really pinned-down how all the ‘galuts’ I have gone through the last few years helped me to reduce my arrogance, my ‘fake’ emuna, my harsh judgement of others – and also brought me closer to Rebbe Nachman and the Rav, Rav Berland.

I.e. They were worth their weight in gold, spiritually.

My relationship with my husband and my kids transformed into something so much better, as a result of the ‘galuts’ I’ve been through.

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The last exercise, the answer as to what ‘my mission in life is’ came very quickly:

To carry on explaining to the English-speaking audience what is going on with the Rav.

And to understand that my blog is actually doing many more positive, useful things than I give it credit for.

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What’s going on with the Rav has just shot off into ‘super important, super controversial, and super complicated’ territory again.

And I’ve been kind of dodging the subject here on the blog for the last two weeks.

But my experience of feeling so ill the last few days are showing me that I can’t run away from dealing with it, and even though I have quite a bit of anxiety of re-opening the subject here, that’s my tafkid, my job – and I need to get on with it.

So in the next post, we will start to explore ‘what is now going on with the Rav’.

And may Hashem bless us all with the open mind and the understanding heart and the da’at of emuna to grasp it.

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The last thing I wanted to say in this post is that I still believe we are being ‘zapped’ with frequencies.

And that those frequencies are somehow exacerbating and amplifying our own bad middot in such a way, that we can no longer ignore them.

Rebbe Nachman teaches that Hashem brings the fire, and starts to put it under the ‘pot of water’ that is the person’s soul.

As the fire heats the water, all these impurities start to surface in what we thought was previously ‘clear’ water.

And the whole job is to stand there with a spoon, identifying all these ‘impurities’ and continually scooping them out, until the water truly is clear.

I think that’s a very big part of what is going on now, and why God is ‘letting this’ happen, so to speak.

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Another point to consider is that we are told that when geula approaches, there will be a rising sun with healing in it’s wings, that will ‘heal’ the righteous, but burn up the wicked.

Here’s the quote, from the Prophet Malachi, 3:19-20:

For behold, the day is coming, burning like an oven, when all the wicked people and all the evildoers will be like straw, and that coming day will burn them up, says Hashem, Master of Legions, so it will not leave them a root or branch.

But a sun of righteousness will shine for you who fear my Name, with healing in its rays, and you will got out and flourish like calves [fattened] in the stall.

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All this stuff that C…..N is doing, that’s messing around with the sun, and with the vibration of our world, and that’s affecting us all so much, whether or not we really understand or acknowledge what is going on – it seems to me, it’s connected to this.

As the ‘light’ intensifies, it’s going to hit the spiritual and emotional blockages, the bad middot we have, with greater and greater intensity, causing greater pain and discomfort.

The healing comes when we stop, acknowledge all the stuff we keep trying to duck, and stop running away from ourselves and who we really are, warts and all.

For the wicked people who like to pretend they are totally perfect; that there is no reward and punishment; and that God doesn’t really exist in the world, so they can do whatever the heck they want – this process ends with them being incinerated by their own bad middot being amplified to the point of implosion.

For everyone else, it’s an opportunity to finally do the work of real teshuva, of scooping out all our ‘impurities’, and healing our souls from the bad middot that occlude Hashem’s light, and the light of the True Tzaddikim – and keep us out of the World to Come.

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Tov, I will stop there for this post.

It’s time to try to address ‘what’s going on with the Rav’.

May Hashem help me to find the correct words.

Stay tuned.