Erev Shabbat, two days before Shavuot, one of my back teeth cracked, and a large chunk of my tooth fell out.

I’ve had a bunch of really large fillings in my back teeth for 35+ years, a reminder of a family road trip across Canada that lasted a year, and meant I spent a lot of time eating Oh Henrys in the back seat of a car, watching the Canadian prairies stretch on for miles. And days.

That those fillings lasted this long is a great kindness from Hashem, but in the meantime, the day before Shavuot, one finally cracked.

I think, because I’d been feeling so much stress since Pesach, for reasons that weren’t really obvious to me, so I’d started ‘grinding’ a bit in the night again, before I caught it and went back to sleeping with a mouthful of clay powder every night.

The stress got so bad the week before ‘the war with Iran’ started up, I went back to my One Brain lady to try and figure out what was going on. Nothing came up….

The last time that happened – that I had mega ‘stress’ for weeks, for no obvious reason, and even the One Brain lady couldn’t shift it – a week later, October 7th happened.

This time around, a week later, it was ‘war with Iran’.

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But back to the tooth.

Even though I know they put GO in medical anaesthetic, I still had a cracked tooth that needed dealing with. BH, God was very good to me that it didn’t really hurt, it just felt very uncomfortable.

I got through Shabbat, then called my regular dentist – they were closed for Shavuot. (They are closed a lot, it turns out…)

So then I went to the emergency dentist instead, who stuck ‘dental cement’ on it, until I could get back to my dentist.

I stick with my dentist, even though really I hate all of them, because my dentist is at least honest (as these things go), and has never tried to tell me I need a ‘root canal’ when I don’t. And maybe, just maybe, that’s part of the reason that I still haven’t had a single root canal, BH.

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So, I get the temporary filling, phoned my dentist for an appointment, for the next week – and then, ‘war with Iran’ happens.

Both my kids and their husbands etc moved in with us for 10 days.

I had a bunch of papers to do for uni and deadlines to meet…

My PC broke, my printer stopped working – and then, the cherry on the cake, my internet also packed in.

And the dentist called me up to tell me they were closing until the war finished.

Great!

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I did what we all tried to do, and just muddled through, saying my 3 TKs every day, doing my hitbodedut to try and raise all the ‘fallen fears’ to ‘fear of Hashem’, going to the Rav as much as possible for ma’ariv prayers.

But, it was like going back into a ‘Covid lockdown’ in many ways, just less restrictive and with sirens and bombs falling on random buildings.

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Long story short, I definitely developed some more PTSD from the whole thing, even though God was so good to us in so many ways.

Even today, I am still more jumpy than usual, and still yearning for ‘peace and quiet’ – and I live in Jerusalem, the safest place in the country.

It’s been five and a half years of this, after all, just counting from when the ‘Covid pandemic’ button got flicked on.

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In the meantime…

Just as the ‘war on’ button was turned on, the same people decided to turn the war ‘off’ a couple weeks ago, and in many ways, that was even more head-wrecking.

Yesterday, we’re all in the bomb shelters cowering in fear (etc…) and today, you have bills to pay, and exams to sit and it’s all business as usual!!!

Initially, the whole cynicism of this took me out, until I did some hitbodedut on it, and realised, it’s actually a kindness of Hashem, and a relief from the ‘birth pangs’ that just keep coming, and keep getting stronger.

Once I realised that, I felt much happier, and I decided to make the most of the respite, anyway I can. Carpe diem, and all that.

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The dentist called me back last week to say now the war was over (ahem…), I could get the tooth seen to.

I had mixed feelings, putting it mildly.

I know there is GO in the anaesthesia, I was worrying what all that nanotech is going to do.

After a lot of praying, I realised a few things:

1. I didn’t really have a choice – the tooth was cracked, and it needed to be dealt with.
2. With all the spraying etc, I am probably full of ‘nanotech’ anyway.
3. God is running the world, and if God decides I need to be full of nanotech right now – what can I do? I have to accept God’s will.

Easy to type, always very challenging to live up to.

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So, last week the tooth got sorted out.

And I bought a new PC and printer.

And yesterday, the internet finally got fixed.

And ‘life is back to normal’.

Isn’t it?

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Except, the underlying stress and worry is still underlying, and still popping up, whenever it’s quiet enough for me to notice.

Like, when I’m trying to go to bed.

I have no idea what’s going on, but what I do know, is that very evil people are still apparently running the world, with all their little ‘puppets’ that still have so many brain-dead morons fooled.

BH, more and more people are waking up, and realising every major politicians in power is totally and utterly corrupt.

Otherwise, they wouldn’t be in power.

But we are living in complicated times, that just feel so overwhelming, even with all the hitbodedut, TKs, Rav prayers and visits to Rabbenu.

How people are managing who don’t have all this stuff, I have no idea.

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Except, I kind of do.

My chiloni SIL fled Israel via Jordan two weeks ago.

I don’t know what happens next. They are too scared of ‘rockets’ to want to carry on living here… Even though they have a gorgeous apartment by the sea and otherwise, a ‘beach living’ lifestyle that is externally fantastic.

But right now… They are kind of homeless, and don’t know where they will be living next year.

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I have no idea how many people left the last month.

The prices of tickets are so high right now, even with the airport open, it’s not an option for most people.

And most people don’t have multiple passports, either.

It sounds like a curse, but it’s actually a blessing. When you have no choice except to ‘get on and manage’, that’s what you do.

That’s what builds your inner resilience, that’s what builds your real relationship with God, when you finally have to face down the fears, and the reality that we don’t live forever, and this could mamash be your last day, each time a siren goes off.

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Really?

We’re meant to be living like that anyway, even without the sirens.

Carpe diem, on the one hand, but on the other, it means making some sincere teshuva every single day, because we don’t know if today is our last day.

Wherever we live.

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Bottom line: ‘normality’ is returning, but the PTSD and underlying stress is still here.

It’s kinda hard to think straight at the moment, it’s hard to write.

But at the same time, I went to the safari, I went to Ikea, I arranged to go walking with my friend for the first time in months, we got more fish for the tank….

Life goes on.

And because ‘life goes on’, the evils will never actually win.

Even though some days, it still seems they might. God forbid.

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PS: Someone told me that the Rav was crying during the prayers last week.

There has been a lot of weird stuff at the Rav’s prayers the last two weeks – police showing up, choking ‘stink bombs’ being let off, massive arguments in the women’s section…. Dafka, this week the ‘vibe’ has been easier, but for two weeks, there was hardly any music or singing or dancing, and quite an intense ‘vibe’ going on that wasn’t very pleasant.

Stuff getting sweetened.

Clearly, still a lot of ‘sweetening’ required, and we aren’t out of the woods yet.