All week, I have been sick as a dog.

It started motzash, with a migraine, snot and sore throat that arrived in the middle of the night, somehow. And all week until yesterday, it was waxing and waning, accompanied with feeling nauseous, other aches and pains – and a dam of negative emotions and despair that finally broke yesterday, when I spent most of the day literally crying my eyes out.

BH, today I am feeling much better.

I think that what happened is that I’ve been storing up ‘stuff’ from the last two years, of being in constant survival mode, and not really processing anything much.

And BH, regardless of wars and scary headlines, my life has also been extremely busy, with huge changes going on.

Both kids married and out of the house… we moved house again unexpectedly… went back to school to do an MA in Jewish history… new grandchildren here and on the way…

I had a whole bunch of massive, life-changing ‘felt experiences’ to really feel and process, and I just haven’t been able to do it.

Until God made me sick as a dog this week, and I finally had to slow down, and feel all my pain, and my emotions, that I’ve been running away from for two years.

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It’s quite an adjustment, being an ’empty nester’.

I miss my kids very much, even though BH I see them a lot, relatively, and we all get on well. Neither of them are in Jerusalem, tho, so seeing them is now reduced to basically once a week.

That was a much bigger deal than I realised.

Also, moving house again was a much bigger deal than I realised, and dragged with it a whole bunch of disappointments about not being able to really ‘settle down’, and despair about ever really being able to ‘settle down’.

That was also a big deal.

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Then, there is all the stuff going on, and not going on, with my blog and my writing.

The last two years, between all the censorship and the ‘craziness’ of the online world, I have been kinda struggling to keep going with the blog here.

It’s not easy being a writer at the moment, trying to tread on the eggshells while still sharing stuff that is truthful and meaningful, and hopefully helpful.

I’ve had a lot of despair about how I really ‘write’, truthfully, without being targeted, in the current environment.

Not simple at all, and goes to the heart of feeling like I’m doing my tafkid in the world.

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B’kitzur, all this welled-up yesterday, and I finally had to deal with it, myself, and the ‘state of the world’.

I was crying for hours, from the moment I woke up until around 4pm, when finally, I started to feel a little better again, and to feel more hope again.

It’s not a simple world we live in, these are not simple times. As well as all the ‘processing’ of my own dalet amot, I have also been trying my hardest to stay out of getting into ‘opinions’ about Charlie Kirk and stuff like that.

Rabbi Green actually sums it up very well, HERE.

Snippet:

Regard anything they report with equanimity. Maybe it happened. Maybe it didn’t.

The very fact that pathological liars are reporting it (& with great pomp and fanfair) should give you pause.

Anyone they allowed onto the world stage is probably one of their actors.

The purpose of their reporting is to groom the herd for their diabolical agenda.

Don’t be part of their herd.

Don’t be played by their puppeteers.

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Part of my freak out of the last two weeks is because I am understanding more and more that the evil going on here is not just plain vanilla ‘evil’, it’s becoming more openly ‘super-natural’ evil.

I.e. demonic.

BH, I plan to repost some old stuff I wrote a few years ago over the chagim, about Rabbenu describing exactlly what is going on now, with ‘demon families’ who look just like you and me, except they have chicken feet, going to war against each other, to try and take each other out.

When that happens, they finally forget about trying to keep humanity away from the True Tzaddik – and that’s when the turnaround really occurs, for the good.

(It’s the story of The Cripple, in case you were wondering. Probably, one of my favorites.)

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The reason the whole ‘assassination’ is not making sense, is because it’s ‘supernatural’, in ways that are not clear, certainly not to me, but enough to know that derech hateva, what they said happened just could not have happened in a million years.

Coming after the week when I finally sat down and watched Elvis’s face ‘shape changing’ live, on old B+W film, shortly before he died, or whatever, I started to understand that demons are real.

Very real.

Demons pull people away from Hashem, and pull them into acting in despicable, evil ways – i.e. they are influencers par excellence.

That’s part of why almost anything you watch online is literally nauseating – I was thinking it’s just the tech, but I’m coming to the conclusion that engaging with these characters, these actors, these ‘news stories’, these influencers – especially the ones that get an emotional reaction – is actually a short-cut to letting really bad stuff get access to your soul, God forbid.

It’s not for nothing, that the Rav has been influencing shmirat eynayim and how bad the internet really is, for years and years and years now.

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You might think I’m a little crazy, for talking about demons.

But they are in the Gemara, and Judaism relates to them as being very, very real.

They never went away, just they found new ways of controlling humanity and influencing them to go against Hashem and act in evil ways.

It’s called: TV-movies-internet-youtube-news-politics, etc.

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So, I want to continue to stay out of all the emotional ferment online that is undoubtedly demonically-inspired – but also, to continue writing.

It’s a narrow bridge, but I have some good ideas now for a derech.

Also, I haven’t being sharing Rav comments, as the Rav has been trying to get to Uman the last couple of weeks, so there hasn’t been anything new.

Nobody knows if he is going to make it this year, I am praying he will.

And I’ll update once we know, either way.

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But bottom line: stay offline as much as you can, and if you are online, the written word is so much safer than the ‘movie’.

I know that’s such a challenge, for so many reasons.

But the conclusion I’ve come to recently is that all this demonic yucky can literally get access to the soul via a person’s eyes.

It takes guard your eyes to a whole other level…

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To all the people who are still here with me, after everything we’ve been through here on the blog, in so many different ways – thanks for being part of the journey.

BH, I’m hoping 5786 is going to mark a new start for all of us.

And the beginning of Esav really going down, down, down to the depths, as the see-saw finally tips up in our direction. Holding out for the spell to break has been very, very difficult, but I think that ‘turning point’ was reached recently…

And from here on in, it’s probably going to get even weirder.

But also, we’re finally going to see the true value in all our prayers, mitzvahs, teshuva – and of being in the circle of the True Tzaddikim, while the demons battle it out to the bitter end.