One more dance
I went to see Yonatan Reizel in concert yesterday.
I actually really enjoyed it.
This was one of his new songs, and it really spoke to me:
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As usual, I am trying to ignore all the ‘Iran’ stuff.
Really, how much juice can they keep squeezing out of this particular lemon?
In the meantime, I am wasting a huge amount of time tracking packages that are just not being delivered.
I am now at “Package number 4” in the last six weeks, that I don’t get any details about, no-one tells me it’s here waiting, I can’t track it, even when I have the number it just keeps telling me it arrived at Ben Gurion and then….
Who knows?
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So then, I decided to send a package to my mum in the UK instead, maybe I’d have better luck there.
Of course, I didn’t.
The dress I ordered online has now also got ‘lost’, same as my packages here in Israel.
What is going on, what’s the message?
I really don’t know.
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In the meantime, just to ‘keep things real’ here on the blog, I have decided I am not at the level I thought I was, when I wrote that post about being so happy to give my last bit of savings away to tzedeka.
It’s now niggling me, for a few different reasons.
Is it just me, or is it kinda hard to have yishuv hadaat about almost anything at the moment?
Like, even what to make for supper?
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It’s said that Moshiach comes when no-one is expecting him, and we’ve all just had enough already, of the ‘signs and portents’ and all the other soothsaying BS that is strangely addictive, but very unhelpful.
The odd thought struck me today that maybe, just maybe, Moshiach is about to be revealed after all.
Against all the odds.
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Ah Tatty!
What in the world is really going on?
I have no idea, quite honestly.
But lucky for me, I wrote a lot of good stuff nine years ago, so maybe I’ll just keep posting that up until I get a little more clarity and yishuv hadaat.
Rivka, finally a post that speaks to me 100%! I’m keep trying to do hidbodedut to work things out and I am just not getting anywhere. I keep trying to understand what I am supposed to do, what Hashem wants from me, what Hashem knows I am capable of, how hard I’m supposed to go against logic and my nature to fulfill his will, etc. I spent over 3 hours yesterday talking to Hashem at different intervals when I had to travel and I came out with the realization that I know nothing, can plan nothing, I have no idea what’s going on nor happening next and every time I think I know something, got something figured out or planned, it just works out differently and not according to plan. I always know it’s in Hashem’s hands but the overall feeling of how much I can’t control has gotten ridiculously obvious to the point where I wonder why bother. I’m taking a new strategy. Let Hashem guide me more. Stop trying to make things work out. Stop trying to force things to happen as I think they should, at the time I want them to. Let things happen and calmly, with patience, let the pieces fall where they may and pick up one at a time and figure out what needs to be done. It feels silly planning things and dreaming of possible futures when it could just not be coinciding with Hashem’s plans for me. People like to plan things and I just laugh…I can only take things one day at a time or maybe the current week as some kind of semi-plan.
It’s been so many years when I have been waiting for moshiach at any moment that I realize I am completely exhausted and haven’t gotten far. It didn’t make moshiach come any quicker. I can’t force that either and must let it happen in Hashem’s time. I am working on building up my emunah and joy at just living the best way I can for Hashem. I have never felt so confused at the state of things yet as it becomes more crazy and my own life is just not working out according to any of the scenarios I imagined, I see that maybe we’re NOW actually getting really close to moshiach. Now it’s crossed the threshold of me knowing I know nothing, maybe I’m starting to know something. I feel I have to step back and enjoy the show and my life rather than try to steer it in the direction I want.
Finally, one of your comments that speaks to me 100%, Miriam… I am also in a state of total confusion these days, and trying to ‘let go’ of as much as possible, and enjoy whatever ride God wants to take me on. It requires way more real emuna, day to day, than ‘having emuna’ and being a control freak.
Beautiful song! I’ve been sharing…