Hanging on to hope
I woke up today in quite the bad mood.
Let’s say, it’s a reaction to months and months and months of unremitting stress.
Let’s say, it’s a reaction to my obnoxious landlord, and the feeling that I am just never going to own my own place in Jerusalem, no matter how hard I try.
Let’s say, it’s a reaction to 16 months of ‘war’, and lies, and ‘war’, and propaganda, and ‘war’, and people still lying to themselves about even simple things like whether a totally corrupt politician with so much Jewish blood on his hands (and foreign bank accounts stuffed full of currency….) could ever, in a million years, be a ‘MBY’.
(Remember from HERE, some of the kabbalists including R David Valli referred to Yoshki as also being ‘in the line of MBY’. If you want to claim that Yoshki was somehow good for the Jewish people, that’s your free choice. But what’s obvious is that this whole discussion about ‘MBY’ has been warped and misapplied, at best, by people who basically talk rubbish.)
==
So, we could say it’s all the above, and more.
Or none, actually.
And more just the soul’s reaction to a world where it’s so hard some days, to keep hanging on to God and His Torah.
Today is the 10th of Tevet, and R Natan’s hiloula.
I feel so disconnected from both of these things, even though I’m fasting today, in a bad-mooded way, because I remembered too late to drink a lot of water yesterday that today is a fast day.
==
Rabbenu teaches that when a person starts to feel that they literally can’t take another second of it, that’s when the salvation comes.
That downest-of-down moment is the springboard for the ‘up’ that follows.
I am hoping that’s what is going on here.
Apart from my horrible landlord, and all the feelings of power-lessness and ‘unfair’ that still manages to bring up, and that I clearly still need to work on, life is actually good in my dalet amot.
Super busy and very, very stressful.
But good.
So I’m not entirely sure why I’m feeling that this just can’t go on today.
====
Watch this, from R Ofer Erez:
====
Without connecting to the true tzaddikim like Rebbe Nachman and R Eliezer Berland, it would be impossible to carry on happily at the moment.
Even with them, I am sometimes struggling.
====
Last thing to mention is this:
We’ve seen that somewhere before, haven’t we?
And at the end of the day, everything is just a ‘message’ from God, and even the forces of evil are just working for God – at the end of the day.
May God help us to decode all the hints and messages He is sending us all the time.
And to overcome the bad middot that our embittering our lives, and hiding the true, immense light and kindness of Hashem to us, that is flowing down 24/7.
Even when we’re in a bad mood.
==
PS: After I wrote this, God actually showed me what had put me in such an unusual ‘down’ this morning.
I had a brief interaction with a narcissist yesterday evening, who got under my skin without me realising what was going on. BH, most of the people in my dalet amot these days are NOT narcissists, and most of them don’t even behave like a narcissist, even occasionally – which is amazing, and a huge blessing.
But yesterday, it was a long day, I was feeling out of it – and so the ‘narc radar’ was not operating properly, and someone managed to get under the defenses.
BH, as soon as I did some thinking about why I’m feeling ‘down’ like this, God helped me figure it out.
I am feeling SO much better again, BH.
And I’m thinking we should return to the subject of ‘narcs’ again, here on the blog.
I have a feeling so many of us are still dealing with them, in myriad different ways.
i have had to move from jerusalem to hevron(kiryat arba) and finally to bersheva,the opposite transjectory of avraham .baruch hashem i am still in israel and not in ny or g d forbid,la!
Living in the Valley in L.A., I feel myself at the raw mercy of Elohim right here.
All the charity and teshuva and prayers you’ve been investing in over the last few years will bring you through all this fine.
That’s the point!