One of the best books I ever read was the ‘Bad Middot Pirates’, by R Baruch Chait.

The illustrations were by Gadi Pollack, who is in a class all by himself, and that’s what initially got me into buying those books ‘for my kids’.

But really?

I was reading them for myself, just as much as I was reading them for the kids.

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While some of the ‘Bad Middot Pirates’ like Mad Mo and Cruel Carlos were obvious, the one that really had me puzzled 15 years ago was ‘Flattery Frank’.

Even though the book is based firmly on Torah sources, and those Torah sources made a very big deal about how ‘bad’ flattery was, in my own dalet amot, I couldn’t really understand what the problem was.

After all, Flattery Frank was just being nice to people…

He was just bigging up their egos to make it easier to get along with them…

He was just making friends and influencing people…

What was the problem, tachlis?

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Fast-forward to 2025, and ‘Flattery Frank’ suddenly popped into my head, when I was pondering on what a narc-shaped mess the Jewish world is currently in.

And especially, the English-speaking Jewish world, because while Eretz Yisrael has its fair share of psychos, most people here (who are not in politics…) don’t really buy into the idea that ‘being good’ is the same as ‘being nice’, at least, superficially.

To give one recent example, while all politicians are generally scum, I was pleasantly surprised that some of the scum in the Knesset tabled a vote to annex the West Bank while American VP Vance was here.

I have no idea what’s going on behind the scenes, but the Americans were very displeased at how ‘rude’ and ‘not nice’ that behaviour was.

In the meantime, it’s probably the most ‘good’ thing that Knesset has done, for a very, very long time.

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So, back to Flattery Frank.

The main problem with flattery is that a person gets so worried about keeping in someone else’s good books, or ‘staying friends’, or enjoying the patronage, approval and validation of others, that they start selling out their own core soul values.

Even if they feel very strongly that ‘x is really bad’, even if ‘x’ is totally outlawed by the Torah, objectively, if they are caught up in the pervasive Anglo model of etiquette, manners and keeping up appearances, they will come under huge pressure to throw their own morality and inner compass into the trash, in order to ‘be nice’.

The good news: I’ve lived in Israel for more than 20 years now, and during that process, I have grown more and more comfortable with the idea that I don’t have to be ‘nice’ to everyone.

And that being ‘nice’ is often the polar opposite of being ‘good’ – especially when you’re in a world which is governed by a narcissist-shaped herd mentality, which in turn is informed by 3 minute instagram reels and the type of superficial ‘sharing’ that manipulative psychos excel at.

Things are so bad today, that conversations generated by AI models like Grok and Chat GPT often sound more deep, introspective and ‘real’ than most human beings.

And of course, this problem is in the so-called frum Jewish world too, which has been shaped by three decades of brainwashing by Mishpacha magazine and all the internet influencers who have perfected the art of hollowing-out authentic yiddishkeit and turning it into a never-ending merry-go-round of fearmongering for big pharma, praising the Rebbe, ‘politics’, and gourmet shabbos meals that have to be shared on social media.

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That ‘big rabbis’ could get away with calling a non-stop pro-Trump political commentary a ‘Torah shiur’ for years and years, without anyone calling them out on it, kind of sums up just how superficial, dumbed-down and inauthentic our religious world has really become.

Even when it comes to important stuff like middot and raising children and shalom bayit, it’s all just ‘influencers’ trying to make a buck with their ‘trademarked method’.

Do you know who these people really are?

Do you know where they are really getting their ideas from?

Even more importantly – do you know if their ‘trademarked method’ is even working for them in their own lives, homes and families?

That last question is the most important of all, because R Shalom Arush teaches that:

The real ‘you’ is the one who shows up at home.

And from my own experiences, there are way too many ‘influencers’ and mashpi’im out there who preach fantastic theories, but whose home life and family relationships are a total, toxic mess.

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You want to take advice on how to ‘raise children’ from someone whose own kids are off the derech, or who have cut off contact with their parent?

You want to learn about ‘how to serve God’ from a person who spends more time editing their youtube videos than they do cracking open a sefer?

You want to ‘develop spiritually’ by joining an organisation which is all about bully-boy takeover tactics, dirty political deals, and literally censoring any ‘negative information’ that might appear publically, to tarnish the carefully-crafted image that ‘these people are really good… The biggest tzaddikim…’ ?

It’s a free world. You can do whatever you want.

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But for me at this stage, I am putting way more value on trying to be ‘good’, and sincere, and truthful, and authentic, than being ‘nice’.

Which, I can tell you now, is not going to help me ‘make friends and influence people’ in the Anglo world, probably quite the opposite. Most of the Anglos I know, even the thoughtful ones, are scared stiff of ‘being real’.

Of really feeling their own emotions, really thinking their own thoughts, really listening to what their soul is whispering to them.

In chul, most of a person’s perceived social value boils down to being nice. You don’t rock the boat. You laugh on cue at other people’s jokes. You make polite conversation that doesn’t make anyone feel uncomfortable, talk about the weather, swap tips on the cheapest place to pick up your ritalin and ozempic prescriptions (or ‘psychodelics’ and grass…)

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What drew me to Rabbenu all those years ago, was that he was real.

He had real advice, real stories about his own real challenges and struggles, that can help every single person, no matter their level or experiences, to climb out of the muck, and start to live a more authentic, and authentically happy Jewish life.

If ‘being real’ is not a priority for you – if you prefer to medicate away your difficult and uncomfortable feelings, and prefer worrying about ‘how it looks’ to how it really is, and you are happy spending your whole life squashing your true self down so you can carry on being thought of as ‘nice’ – you don’t need Rabbenu.

Go to Chabad, where you’ll perfect the art of portraying yourself as a ‘tzaddik’, and telling wonderful made-up stories about yourself, and how amazing you are, regardless of all the yucky things you are really still doing in the world.

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Tov, I will stop there, for now.

The world could be so, so, so much better and brighter than it currently is for most of us.

But the key to that change lies within us.

And Rebbe Nachman’s teachings have clearly set out the path for how to get there, how to leave ‘fake, narcissistic nice world’, and move into the spiritually-satisfying real space that God created just for us.

Following Rabbenu’s path sincerely probably won’t make you a ton of friends – but it will make you a whole lot happier, connected to your true self, and real.

If that’s something you actually want.

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PS: Here’s a few things that Rebbe Nachman has to say on the subject of ‘flattery’, from Sefer HaMiddot:

2. Through flattery, one’s wife becomes a widow, one’s children become orphans, and there is no one to have mercy on them.

3. Through flattery, one comes to have a pain in his heart.

4. One who guards himself from flattery will have salvation coming his way.

5. Through flattery, one’s prayer is not heard and one is repulsive in everyone’s eyes.

SECOND BOOK:

1. Through flattery, one comes to apostasy.